WRITING HELPS

Our current situation right now is beyond words. Even if my family stays in our home 24/7, I still feel not 100% safe. There are moments that I felt lost. I wanted to go back to before, but there is no before to go back. What we live now is the "new normal" and when this is over, our "new normal" will be our normal and so much more. I know in my heart that, I will be different and there's no going back to the past. There's no point. 

I've been down for weeks, so down that sometimes, I caught myself looking from afar with nothing on my mind, but "how on earth are we going to survive this? I've been praying harder and harder for my family, friends and relatives. For our frontliners, our sick, my country, and the rest of the world. That we can make it. That this is just a phase and we are going to survive. I haven't cried since this started. I need a good cry to release the tension building up my chest. But nothing. Even my tears won't cooperate. I need to find something to do or I will burst. My creative mojo is gone when I needed it most. I stop creating for a week now.

Then a friend, asked me to help her make a face shield for our frontliners. Without hesitation, I said YES. This is it. I want to help in any capacity I can. This is for all the health workers and frontliners who keep us all safe. I definitely have tons of TIME to spare plus me and my sister have the machines to help us produce the basic component of the face shield. We are so excited and thankful for this opportunity. 

We're able to cut around 400 acetate, but we had to stop. In the middle of the production, new updates about covid-19 was released. It got me and I am back again to where I started. Panic attacks for days. A simple conversation between my sister and his son about her pregnancy status triggered my panic attack. I can't help but worry for my unborn niece. Then my mom, told me something that made me worry more. I felt lost again. I have to tell my friend that we need to stop because of this. That made my heart broken into pieces. I don't want to stop but, I have to. I can't function well. I keep worrying. Doing something related to my worries made me worry 10x more. I need to step back and clear my mind. 

Yesterday morning, I had a good talk with my friend and I'm really thankful for her. Not only she LISTENED but also understand my dilemma. That I needed this break more than anything. Thank you my dearest. :) 

Last night, I was reminded by a post from one of the planner groups I joined. One member asked if "anyone regret buying planners for 2020? One member answered, no because she was using it for journaling. That answered made me think of my planner. That's it. I will journal my worries. And I did. I wrote until there's no more to write. I felt relieved for the first time. I was able to sleep soundly and peacefully in my husband's loving arms. I woke up today feeling grateful. I am back to my old happy & cheerful self. I am here blogging to share what I have gone through. I know I'm not 100% OK. We still have days to come of uncertainty. But this time around, I know better. I will get through this. We will get through this. One step at a time. This will be over soon. I know that. Praying for more strength for all of us who are fighting this virus with all our might.